A Father's Day Special -- The Man that I Respect.

Fathers, Learn.

Overcoming a Father’s Tear

The last time I saw my father-in-law tear was when my eldest son Mattheus passed away in January 2005.

I was reminded of that time last Monday when my daughter Maegan (5) had to undergo general anesthesia for her day dental surgery. I held her in my arms when she first woke up after surgery and she was sobbing relentlessly out of fear and discomfort, as one can imagine.

Like my father-in-law, I too don’t tear often but I found myself pretty close to it that Monday. Seeing your own child go through so much distress pains a father’s heart even if your child is 5 or 25.

Being on the National Family Council, I often get asked the inevitable question: “Do you plan to have a third child?” My reply would almost always get an apologetic reply when I tell them I already have three kids.

My eldest son, Mattheus Tan, was born on 21 January, 2005. He passed away that same day when his small premature body, all 555 grams that fits into the palm of my hands just could not survive the ordeal. It was a day where I processed his birth certificate and death certificate at the same time.

I don’t think anything in life can prepare you for the pain and anguish when you lose your child. Both Daphne and I were 28 at that time. As first-time parents, we were totally unprepared for that moment.

We were both in shock, in pain, angry with God and dispirited all at the same time. There really isn’t one word that can describe how we felt. I know it’s even worse for Daphne. She carried him in her womb for more than 5 months and, in the least expected way, she delivered him and only held him in her arms for a precious 5 minutes. As her husband, I have never seen her cry the way she did that day and for at least and a month and a half after, the grief came in waves.

Neither do I ever want to see her in such pain again.

That was the time I saw the tear in my father-in-law’s eyes.

People sometimes ask me how we manage to cope then and now. I would always bring them back to that moment that I held Mattheus alive in my hands. He didn’t have the luxury of being born in a hospital. It was an emergency birth at home that saw my wife lost so much blood that when the paramedics arrived, my first yell to them was to take care of my wife because I had already given up hope of Mattheus being alive. But he chose to be alive, even for just that little while.

The fact that we could hold our son alive in our arms at 22 weeks old is, in itself, a miracle. The fact that Daphne was safe after losing so much blood is too, a miracle.

So when one asks me how we cope with our loss, I tell them that I thank God for the three miracles in my life that I am truly grateful for. I guess I could choose to be bitter and angry but somehow, seeing those moments give me that courage to move forward. It doesn’t take away the pain but it just makes it bearable.

Almost a year after the date of Mattheus expected-delivery-date (ETD), Maegan, my first daughter, was born to us. Our third miracle. Now looking back at all these years during this Fathers’ Day season, I find myself counting my blessings seeing my two beautiful daughters, Maegan and Meredith, all grown up (too soon if I may add).

I guess I have to brace myself for more heart-wrenching times like last Monday.

But it is times like these that fathers will always remember and these are the stories that will be retold time and time again to our children when they get older.

It makes being a dad such a joy that no pain will ever take away.

Martin Tan is the Co-Founder and Executive Director of Halogen Foundation Singapore. He blogs at martintansg.wordpress.com.